Questions for the Undead
by Byakko
Summary: Failing to determine Alucard's sexual experience, our brave 'interviewer' goes forth once more in Chapter 2, to face yet another question that involves two certain women in Alucard's life and GRAVITY.
1. Bondage Time

**Author's Notes:** Because I have no inspiration, and this is the best I can do. I wrote this, which is just an extended rant on why of the many questions bugging me about Alucard. A very important question to me, very important, and hopefully, equally as important to the rest of fanfiction world as we know it!

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The screen flickers on, the camera shimmers a bit before coming into focus and seemingly, put on a prop. Sitting in front stately in a simple wooden chair is a girl of 15 or 16, with long black hair, black eyes and of apparent Chinese lineage. She's saying some words to the camera man as she shifts her papers. Which is quite a feat since there's only one sheet of paper. 

"...we're rolling..." says a voice offscreen. 

The girl fixes her hair and smiles lightly. 

Hello! I'm your host today, and my name is Byakko! This is a semi-official investigation conducted by my agency, the large, prestigious but strangely, feared, "**H**ellsing's **E**ver **L**uving **L**adies", otherwise known as H.E.L.L," 

"Hell cannot be compared to this!" hissed a familiar voice off screen. 

"I would advise you to be quiet until we're ready, Mr Alucard," she replied gently, "As I was saying, our motto is "If you can't suck it, bite it! And before I continue, let me state this, the name and slogan weren't my idea," she coughed in disapproval.

"Well, since our little introduction is over, I think it's safe to turn to our captive right now. Joe, if you please, ah! Thank you," she said as the camera swivers to...

"You impudent human..." growls Alucard animalisticly as he struggls against his bonds. Amazingly, the powerful vampire makes no difference to the normal-looking ropes that bond him.

"I will make you regret this once I escape..." Alucard laughs softly and evilly. The camera shakes a bit as the Joe shakes in fear himself. Byakko is otherwise non-plussed. 

"That is, Mr Alucard, if you actually can get out of those ropes. Those were made from reeds grown especially with holy water, with ferilizer from the manure of baptized cows that were also fed holy water and 'holy' hay, and given sunlight that was filtered through those stained glass windows you find in churches," 

"Heh, well, there's nothing stopping me from just..." Alucard grins with a smug expression as he tries to disappear, but with no effect. 

"I'm sorry sir. But we had anticipated all your tricks, even to this point. This whole room was left with a trough of holy water, which we left to evaporate around the room," Byakko smiles as she explains matter-of-factly. 

Alucard spits in anger, "No wonder there's a foul taste in my mouth!" 

Byakko takes a second to look at her question paper and says sternly to Alucard, with eerily steady eyes despite the apparent risk in this endeavour, "I hope you will cooperate with us, Mr Alucard, or else we WILL make sure you don't leave, we WILL make sure NOOONE knows where you are, we WILL make sure there will be no reason for your dear master to call upon you, thereby releasing your more potent powers, and we WILL make sure you stay here until you are nothing more than the dry corpse you were in that cell before your master," 

Alucard looks at Byakko quizzically, "Am I suppose to be intimidated?" 

"Yes," 

"...heh, fine, I'll 'entertain' your pathetic human mass audience for now. Ask whatever you want, but if you do not unrestrain me by then..." his eyes flashes a second, deep crimson red. Byakko seems otherwise unaware of his reply. 

"Very good, now, we only have one question. Joe, please turn back here a moment," the camera swivers to face Byakko once more, who holds up her question sheet for the audience to see. It only has one line or two typed on it, with a font that is inelligible from the distance. Byakko flips it back and reads out loud in an almost mechanical manner, "Hellsing, the manga, Tankoubon 1, Chapter 1 ((Vampire Hunter)), Page 14, quoted from Sir Integra Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing's speech bubble, second panel down :'Only when a vampire sucks the blood of a virgin, a female if it is a dracul _(male vampire)_ and a male if it is a draculina _(female vampire)_, do they "proliferate" as vampires.' Close quote," 

Byakko stops a moment to steal a glance at Alucard, who seems to be silently listening with his head bent down, eyes scrinching up in suspicion as to where this was going," 

"With this quote as evidence, as well as several more found later within the same chapter and in context, we can safely assume that above all else; unless you say you are the First vampire, but with our historical research team having received critical information from the ex-vampire Helena that the very First vampire was one called Eve, we therefore know you are not, you are just exceptionally old; ahem, as I was saying, therefore we can safely assume that above all else," 

The camera swivers back to Alucard, who seems to have come to an understanding, of sorts, his eyes look a cross between bewilderment and panic. 

The edges of a sardonic grin seems to perk at the ends of Byakko's mouth as she continues, "You were a virgin when you first became a vampire. How you could be a virgin at the age of 20 to 30 years old and be a Romanian Royal Prince is beyond me, but safe to say, yes, you were a virgin," 

Byakko stands up, picks up her chair and moves closer to Alucard who is clenching his teeth half in anger and half in shock, and sits down again, "The question now is, are you STILL a virgin? After 600 plus years, I suppose it is pretty embarrassing to remain a virgin at that age, now isn't it?" 

"..." 

"As far as most romantic fangirls are concerned, you're some sort of Casanova with teeth. The truth is, with the whole Count Dracula thing going on, everyone has the impression that you HAVE to have some experience, right?" 

"Well, if you humans are so intent on thinking about breeding day and night, day and night, till even their precious, 'innocent' youth, are so easily and wilfully drawn into the dark subjugation of the mere thought. Though it disgusts me to be on the minds of such simple creatures engaging in such activities with God knows what circumstance, it is really your own imagination," 

Byakko smiles, "True, true, you have us there, Nosferatu Alucard. BUT, it still doesn't answer our question, does it?" 

She chuckers softly, "I have already told you what we would do, if you do not cooperate did I? I'm willing to wait, Mr Alucard, I really am," 

Alucard starts to laugh loudly, "What makes the likes of you can outlast me! I can sleep for a long time, long enough time till the memory of you will be less than the dust your ashes will have become," 

"What makes you think I'm any more human than you are?" 

Alucard looks up in slight curiousity at the statement but Byakko shrugs it off, "Now, just answer the question and we will let you go, simple, easy, straightforward. Now, shoot!" 

Alucard leaned his head back over the head rest of his seat, his face plastered with a seemingly perpetual grin and letting his hair fall down in messy strands. 

He lolled about leisurely, while Byakko fiddles with her question paper patiently. 

Suddenly, his head snaps back and Byakko is once again at attention. 

"Well, Mr Alucard? Your answer?" 

But Alucard does not reply and instead, stares intently at Joe, the very frightened cameraman. 

Alucard grins sardonically as his pupils seem to dilate just a bit, Byakko notices the strange behaviour, follows Alucard's line of sight to Joe's eyes and mutters, "Bloody hell..." 

Joe's eyes go blank as he is placed under the vampire's control and he stands up as if on stilts in his zombie-like stupor and knocks the camera to the ground. 

Fortunately, the camera remains running, though now only viewing everyone's feet. Alucard's laughter is very clear as Byakko half mutters and half yells, "Joe, Joe! Joe! Snap out of it, Joe, I mean it! Joe!" 

The shuffling of feet can be heard, as well as the sound of a chair moving across the ground. The sounds of a minor scuffle and the sudden burst of quick steps. In seconds, the steps stop with a splatering sound, and Alucard's howling laughter. 

"Oh bloody..." Byakko says as the camera is once again stood up properly, showing a grinning and still chuckling Alucard and a grumpish Byakko. 

"Vampire mind trick, forgot about that," 

"Ha ha ha! Only the simple-minded fall under it, and are so ignorant of it!" 

Byakko sighs, "Congragulations, Mr Alucard, you reduced my cameraman to a very big meat splatter on the wall," 

Alucard laughs out loud again, "However, this 'interview' will continue and-" 

Suddenly, Byakko is cut short and a soft 'ow' can be heard. 

"Stupid papercut...oh bloody hell again," 

Alucard licks his lips as he responds to the maiden scent of fresh blood, no matter how small. 

Byakko rummage through her pockets before taking out a tissue and wiping her finger clean, while Alucard looks on with a predatorial air. 

"And as I was saying..." continues Byakko as she absentmindedly throws the slightly bloodied tissue to the side, a strange little gust of wind, seemingly, almost supernaturally, flitters the paper very close to Alucard, while Byakko busies herself and takes no heed. 

Alucard grasps the renegade tissue in his mouth and savors the light taste of blood, which gives him a sudden surge of energy. 

"And I ask again, are you a virgin?" Byakko finallises and looks up and curses as Alucard stands up grinning, with the ropes falling harmlessly around him. 

"This 'interview' is very much over," he hisses, raising his gun that has mysteriously appeared within the confines of his voluminous coat. 

He points to the camera and shoots it, ending the tape. 

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Well, how was THAT! I admit, my humor style is really based more on how I say it, which is impossible to show in my writing, but hopefully, you got a few laughs out of this. 

So, should there be more mysterious questions to be asked? After all, I'm not any more human than Alucard is, eh? 


	2. Gravity

**Author's Notes:** Well, my friends asked for a continuation, so this is it. Unfortunately, my brutallly tortured mind couldn't focus, so this ended up being more uproarius-humourous compared to my first. As always, I find my sequel better only in material substance of the inclusion of more characters. Well, hope you like it. 

P.S. Thanks for the all nice reviews :) And as for the reviewer who wanted to make a fanart of this, it would be greatly appreciated ^0^ A real compliment to me, thanks! 

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First, there was darkness. A flicker of bright light and the camera is turned on. The image sways despite the firm grip of the cameraman, due to the powerful winds at this altitude. Indeed, a quick glance of the surroundings show several misty clouds and distant mountains in view. In front of the camera, stands the familiar form of Byakko, with two unidentified persons near her. A closer look of them is botched as the camera zooms in to have the whole frame filled with her face and upper-body. 

"Welcome back. For you, and for me. Due to a slight, shall we say, 'deviation' in the original concept for that particular event with Alucard, I was sent to hospital with a broken spine, elbows, kneecaps, jaw and something involving my spleen for some reason. Through budget-breaking operations and several months of therapy," she smiles and stomps her foot, which causes the camera to sway up and down, "I'm back on my feet," 

She frowns, "For those of who are wondering, no, Alucard did NOT defeat me. In fact, we haven't even started fighting when this sudden herd from the H.E.A.V.E.N, or ,**H**ellsing's **E**vil **A**ttack **V**iolet **E**lephants **N**etwork, came charging in and effectively trampled me to near death!" 

"I still wake up hearing that trumpeting," she shivered but composes herself, "Needless to say, I'm back in action, with a better pay, budget, and a full Life Insurance all payed out," 

She bends her head down as if in forgiveness, "Unfortunately, after that incident, we have been unable to locate Alucard. Even with the best Vampire Hunter," a roll-clip of the Vampire Hunter D is played for the benefit of those in doubt, "And even with aid of the Slayer," the themesong from Buffy the Vamprie Slayer plays for a few seconds, and is cut off, "He was nowhere to be found," 

She seems to brighten up again, with a small grin, "Therefore, we have come to another question, which since Alucard is not here for questioning, we have to do in practice," 

She turns to her left, and her hands go off-screen. When they return to her, there is a large wad of cloth in her hand. 

"...Master...heeeeelp..." moans Seras in fear as she is finally ungagged and allowed to speak. 

The camera moves to see her. She seems to be in dire distress, as she is all bound up, no doubt by the same 'holy' rope that was fashioned to capture Alucard. Having a hard enough time balancing on the shaky platform, she mutters words of pleading, punctuating by frightened exclamations when she tips over too much to one side. 

"Yes, it wasn't hard to get Seras. Basically, we got her in her coffin during the daytime, bound her up, and just dragged her up here," 

"...help..." 

The camera swerves to center on Byakko again, who apparently was trying to shield herself from some bouncing person, with blonde hair that just peeked into the camera scene. 

"Calm yourself, please!" she exclaimed, calling on restrainers off-screen, to control the person. 

The blonde hair seem to be pulled back, along with several loud muffled curses of sorts. 

Signalled by a quick gesture from Byakko, the camera swerves to see Sir Integral, who was doing a most convincing impression of Hannibal Lector, strapped into a vertical roller, struggling like a rapid mongoose against her bonds and with a large cotton wad stuffed into her mouth. 

She was screaming what seemed to translate to something about killing Byakko, holy lightning, all the available curses in the Bible, and something else about lifetime Teletubby watching. 

Byakko smiled ruefully as she explained the situation, "Ah, as you see, we have also manage to capture the Master of the Monster, so to speak. Of course, we cannot allow her to call her servant anytime soon, at least not now until all the preparations are done," 

The camera centers once more on Byakko. Who was sighing and muttering about 'psychotic gender-confused virgin maidens', straightens her clothes and once more smiles with a light and formal air. 

"I suppose I should explain the whole experiment as it is. Firstly, where we are now," she stomps her foot, though not as hard as before. The camera is moved along until it reaches the end of the high-rised platform and is faced downwards, to show the wide expanse below. 

The camera moves back to its original position where Byakko is reading from a small cue card, which is placed back into her shirt pocket once the camera reaches its destination. 

"The question today is simple," she clears her throat, and places both hands behind her back. 

"If it happens, that Alucard's bumbling and fangirl-emulating 'child'," Byakko stops short. 

With a quick movement, she pulls out her cue card and reads it once more, frowns, and takes out a small flip-back handphones and makes a quick one-button call. 

"Yes, yes, I want to speak to a Ms.Cheong...yes, thank you. Ah, Grace, yes, yes, I got the cue card. But I have to say, 'child'? 'Child?', some words are spoken on the other line, Byakko, seemingly forgetting her duties temporarily, goes off screen with the handphone to her ear. 

"I know it's technically right...but it gives the wrong impression, it's totally inappropiate...look, let's forget about the 'child' bit, it just doesn't suit this situation...good good, so what do I say?" 

Byakko's voice raises suddenly, "What do you mean 'improvise'?! The whole card?! Wait a minute," 

She reads the rest of the card and yells, "'Sadistic overlord'?! That's being overly generous to Sir Integral isn't it?" 

A firm glare from Integral shows her disapproval clearly, while a whimpering Seras is busily measuring exactly how long it will take her to reach the ground. Which would be a lot easier...if...she could actually...see...the...ground... 

"MASTER! HELP!" she yells outloud. 

"Shush!" Byakko snaps as she continues her heated argument with her cue-writer. 

More words of displeasure is spent between them, until at last, Byakko closes her flip-phone close and walks back on-screen, a face of pure distaste pasted on. 

"Well, sorry about that. Certain complications have happened," she mutters angrily in inaudible tones before continuing, "As I was saying," 

With the manner of a gracious host, she raises her left hand to present Seras with a quick remark, "To my left, the bumbling and fan-emulating apprentice vampire of Alucard's," 

Similarly, she sweeps her right hand to present Integral, "To my right, sadistic overlord," 

A wide-eyed expression revealed itself on Integral but Byakko takes no heed. 

"Now, which exactly would Alucard save, if they both were say, pushed from over 500 feet in the air to a horrible, unspeakable fate of being formless blotches of flesh and bone on the unyielding ground," 

Seras is too horrified to speak, while Integral mutters some very clear words, "You have got to be kidding me!" 

"We shall find out today," 

With a swift movement, Byakko rips away the cotton wad in Integral's mouth. For a moment, she is unused to the functionality of her mouth returning, and stretches for a few moments. 

Some very short moments. 

"GODDAMN YOU! YOU IDIOTIC MORONIC PEA-BRAINED BITCH!" she yells with the bitter steel edge of vengence. 

Byakko frowns, and growls under her breath, "Don't...tempt me..." she whispers, her fists clenching despite her extreme control. 

Integral is busy scolding repeatedly in Latin to notice this and after she's had her fill, she immediately calls out, "ALUCARD! ALUCARD GET YOUR STUPID PERSON HERE AND GET ME OUT OF THIS STRETCHER!" 

Byakko smiles and walks between the two women. With a grip in her left hand of Seras' ropes, and her other hand on Integral's stretcher. She tips each one over with a slight kick from either foot, leaving them dangling over the edge with nothing more than Byakko's untrusting grip to keep them from an over 500 feet drop. 

"I'm sorry viewers, I forgot to mention this before, but I wanted to make sure Alucard was about close," Byakko says, glancing up to a large cloud of unworldy bats gathering around them, somehow piloting themselves despite the strong winds that whipped about. 

"We've measured the windspeed and the direction of Sera Victoria's fall. According to our calculations, she will fall into a nice, big, deep river. Now, I've read that vampires simply cannot cross running water, in what way, I have no idea, but I thought a double experiment would be in order," 

"How very cruel...how very cruel indeed," slurred a deep voice, as the bats coalesced together, melting and shifting about to form the unmistakble nosferatu Alucard. 

"MASTER!" 

"ALUCARD GET ME OUT OF HERE!" both women screamed various pleads of help, in whatever fashion. 

Byakko had a rather sinister grin on her face, "I'm assuming you know just what I'm doing here, don't you?" 

Alucard grinned, baring, just slightly, his left fang. His hands felt into his pockets for his two guns. With amazing speed and uncanny steadiness, he brought the two guns to point directly at Byakko's calm face. 

"I see you gave up on cameramen, dear interviewer," he jeered. 

Byakko smiles, "Indeed, these new mechanical ones are quite handy, especially in such situations. I'm hoping you would not destroy this camera please," 

Alucard's grin widens, "Most certainly not. I want all the world to see your beautiful head being blown off at close range," 

Byakko laughs, "You are forgetting something," she shakes the two women a bit, causing Seras to cry out in terror again, and Integral to start cursing in French. 

Alucard's face seems to be shielded by his wide hat and his sunglasses, as he levels his face to his arms to take aim, "If I was ever faced, with this sort of dilemna," 

A sudden grin and maniacal glint in his eyes, alerts Byakko to a certain change in the plan. 

"I'll destroy the bastard who gave me the choice!" he laughs, his fingers pressing down simultaneously on both triggers. The sound of the eruption from both high-calibre guns with their explosive ammo, would have deafened anyone's ear. The sheer power of the bullets seemed to break the wind, ripping through it with ease as the two silver bullets, wonderfully synchronized in their fateful flight, flew into Byakko's head as if in slow motion. 

This was the way that Byakko saw the bullets, slow-moving. With a quick backwards push, she had already thrown herself off the platform, dragging down both women with her. The two bullets sailed within millimetres of her hair, snipping off a few stray strands, as the three women fell down below. 

Byakko sighs with a small grin, switching on her pocket camera near her collar, and calmly regarding the amusing affair as the two other women was still close by. Both were screaming, that was a fact, but the screams were eternally different. For example, one was promising the best of behaviour for the next century, while the other was promising excruciating torture for the next century. Both had the same target. 

Byakko twirls about in her 360 degree freedom, not the least bit worried of her supposed doom. She faces her camera up at the quickly disappearing platform, when suddenly a huge and deep black creature swoops down from it, like a bird-of-prey from its roost. 

"Excellent! Documented results! Absolutely wonderful!" she exclaims, as she points her small camera to the large bat-like creature, which engulfs the raging Master of his in a wrap of black. 

"AH! MASTER! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!" yells Seras in terror, tears streaming down and flying away with the wind. As she hurtles towards her own impending doom admist some watery waves. 

After a couple of seconds, the wings unwrapped, revealing that the Protestant Knight had mysteriously disappeared, probably whisked away within the midst of shadows that were her servant's to command. 

Byakko could not have been more pleased. 

However, she noticed that Alucard now was flying over to Seras, who was still screaming her lungs out as she spotted the snaking river below. 

"Wait! We must complete the second experiment!" Byakko cries out, and in her freefall, brings out a long silver whip, hidden underneath her shirt. 

With split-second timing and eagle-eye precision, her whip cracks in the air and wraps around Alucard's huge bat form. A roar of anger, and a mixture of smoke and steam rises from where the whip touched. With eager determination, Byakko pulls back hard, drawing the vampire to her and away from his apprentice. 

"ARGH! MASTER!" screams Seras, seeing her would-be rescuer being pulled away very quickly, with the ground reaching up even more quickly. 

Having forgotten the distress of his disciple for the moment, Alucard engages Byakko in a freefall, free-form battle. Dissipating into darkness, Alucard swirls about the troublesome 'scientist', his wolf heads being kept away with sharp cracks and snaps of the girls long glittering whip. 

Seras haplessly looks up at this revolving whirlwind sphere of black and silver, realising all pleas for help would be without consideration, and with one last exclamation before she hits the cold cold surface of the water, she yells, "WHY MUST MY LIFE BE A DISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!" 

At neck-breaking velocity, she hits the water sideways. After the initial splash, the river's surface is calmed once more, running along on its merry cources, unaware and uncaring to the fallen and constantly sinking captive in it. 

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The battle was long and tiring, at least for Byakko. Not long after Seras reached water, Byakko reached ground. But, she landed on her legs as if she had just taken a step down a staircase, the resultant shockwaves that received no expulsion from the 'human' body, found its solace in the form of radiating ripples that treshed grass and cracked rocks. 

"Impressive," boomed Alucard's voice, his attack had not lost its tenacity or alacrity despite the strange abilities of the 'human'. 

Byakko grinned as he continued to whip away stray wolf hounds and trigger-happy hands that appeared all around with guns. A quick flick and the hand would be sliced off, to be replaced almost as quickly, but Byakko was similarly, just as quick with her whip. 

Had they been given the choice, both unworldly beings would have been content with eternal fighting, with some breaks for feeding and the restroom as such, but the sudden shaking of the ground, and the loud calls of certain pachyderms, disrupted their epic battle to death (or in Alucard's case, potential 'second' death). 

Both freeze for the moment, a look of uncharacteristic terror crosses Byakko's features, "No...it can't be...not them again!" 

Yes! For it is non-other than the infamous purple guardians of Hellsing, the herd of purple elephants! 

"BLOOOOOOOOODYYYYYY-!" screams Byakko, as she is engulfed in the dutiful guardians' all-powerful stomps and bone-crushing fury! 

Alucard reforms, and looks in passing interest as this troops unexpected arrival. Then, he notices a familar head of blonde hair, atop the lead elephant in a sedan on its back, using a riding prod to make the elephant lead its herd repeatedly over the utterly mushed Byakko. 

Unfortunately, so does the collar camera of Byakko's, as though it was detached in time to let the viewers see the strange scene. It is unwittingly destroyed as a close-up of Alucard's foot appears on screen, followed by a total and unceremonial black screen. 


End file.
